You say life's a puzzle you never can solve.
It's loaded with questions you try to resolve.
You've looked to philosophy, spoken to God,
And studied the tracks on the roads you have trod.
But here's how you'll understand Heaven and Earth:
It's all where the stars were the day of your birth.

The secret was found back in cent'ries B.C.
By science advanced as a science can be.
They didn't need telescopes, they didn't wish
For instruments dull as a radio dish.
Their knowledge of space had no limits or dearth.
They knew what stars do on the day of your birth.

You say that Earth's axis has shifted today.
The Zodiac's different. It works anyway.
I've got mathematics, equations, and charts,
Which make me an expert on these arcane arts.
Now why are you laughing? Please stifle your mirth.
The stars shaped your life on the day of your birth.

So what if those stars are all light years away?
Those scientists never saw Neptune, you say?
Such details don't matter when you can devise
A system by waving your hands at the skies.
You might be from Babylon, New York, or Perth;
What counts is the stars on the day of your birth.

Stop looking at me like I'm some kind of fool.
I've got a degree from astrology school.
I've got testimonials brimming with praise
And written a book that is sure to amaze.
For no other system has nearly the worth
Of charting the stars on the day of your birth.